To battered women: Even if you clearly state to your partner that violence isn't acceptable, your decision not to leave is likely to be interpreted by the abuser as a message that the battering is not so bad after all and that it's alright to control you by whatever means necessary. That's because battering is not about losing control of one's temper; it's about gaining control of you and using violence, threats and demeaning emotional abuse to do it.

The following is a program for you and your partner to help end violence and control:

1. Police intervention and prosecution for the crime of assault.
2. Separation for as long as it takes for your partner to stop the violence, control and emotional abuse. This will probably take at least six months and possibly years.
3. If you have children, legal temporary custody and child support arrangements that maximize safety for you and the children.

For your partner:

1. Attendance at a group for people who batter.
2. Group or individual therapy which might cover these problem areas: sexism and sex-roles, violence and fear, emotional abuse, anger management, intimacy, assertion, jealousy, childhood abuse, addiction, emotional awareness, sexuality, abandonment, parenting, self-esteem, relaxation and communication.
3. Drug or alcohol treatment if appropriate.
4. Commitment to ongoing therapy or support group for as long as necessary-perhaps for life.

 For You:

1. Participation in support group.
2. Development of a friendship network, independent of your partner's.
3. Development of an independent means of financial support.
4. Classes or therapy to help with parenting skills if appropriate, and time to repair any damage that may have been done to your relationship to your children.
5. Classes in assertion training and communication or therapy for you, if appropriate.

For both of you:

1. After at least several months of the above program, couple counselling which includes contracts outlining agreed upon behavior.
2. Development of a plan to monitor potentially abusive behavior.

Faith in God to help with the program. Wishing you all the best.

Respectfully, Janis Erickson
The Refuge Ministry
Jeremiah 29:11

Send article to a Friend Print article