If It's So Bad, Why Do You Stay?

The victim says "I can't leave because I don't have any money, no where to stay, I don't have what it takes to support myself"

The battered woman is much smarter and more able than her husband has PROGRAMMED her to believe. He programs her to believe that she is incapable of existing on her own.

How Did This Ever Happen To You?

The victim: "I made him angry, I didn't do what he wanted, I must not have been good enough"

Abuse is never the victim's fault. It doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do, she is not responsible for his behavior.... he is responsible for his actions. She is responsible for seeking safety.

The Bible says, "As a man/woman thinks in his heart...so is he." Many times, the victim has already come from an abusive background and thinks of herself as a "victim". She doesn't see the tell tale signs of an abuser because she is dwelling in a love vacuum and is desperate for love. For women with an abusive past, they are usually baited into the
relationship by lies of love and romance.

Didn't You See How He Was Before You Got Into The Relationship?

The victim: "NO, he was so CHARMING, everybody thinks he's so wonderful"

A batterer normally is very charming and likeable in the outside world, but behind closed doors, he is totally the opposite. The Dr.Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde syndrome. The batterer never wears a sign saying "I am an abuser." He doesn't want to blow his cover. He always covers up what he is doing. The key to continuing abuse is the fact that he looks, acts and talks like the guy next door. The abuser is a good actor.

Why Did You Keep This A Secret For So Long?

The victim: "Because I was embarrassed, humiliated and thought most of this was my fault"

The batterer tells his victim that she can never do anything good enough and frequently changes the rules. This keeps the victim in confusion and convinced that she is unable to do anything... including leave.

Why Didn't You Seek Help?

The victim: "He told me that if I did, I would never live to see another day."

The batterer is so emotionally dependant on the woman that he threatens her life if she indicates that she might leave. In both verbal and physical abuse, the abuser is constantly telling his victim that she is worthless. If you hear anything enough times, you will believe it...even a lie. The victim fears for her life and believes that nobody would count her worth helping. Verbal abuse injures the victim just as badly as physical abuse. Those words create destruction
in a victim's mind equal to what physical abuse can do to a victim's body.

Don't You Have Friends And Family That Can Help You?

"They wouldn't understand, my partner doesn't allow me to spend time with friends and family"

The batterer is extremely jealous and fearful of her involvement with others, the more isolated she becomes, the more dependant she becomes on her partner. Often, he provokes her to anger and confusion in public...making her look neurotic and foolish in front of friends.

Doesn't Abuse Mostly Happen In Low-Income Families?

The victim: "Yes, it usually does happen to lower income women... I never thought it could happen to me!"

The middle and upper class woman will not make her abuse public for fear of social embarrassment and economic damage. She fears the respect that HE has in the community will cast doubt upon the credibility of her story. Abuse crosses all social and economic environments.

Why Don't You Just Stand Up To Him?

"He will just get more angry and it is probably my fault anyway" Those who try to stand up after many abuses usually get more violence as a result. For the long-term abused victim, it will take outside help either to change or leave the abusive situation.

Please reach out to help a battered woman in any way that you can.

God bless you and have a healthy, safe and happy new year.

Janis Erickson
The Refuge Ministry
Jeremiah 29:11

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