Freshi insight on getting along;-)

Yearly family football competition!  Matching, reversable jerseys; cooking together; inviting the in-laws.  Can you think of any situation with more potential for disaster?!  Well, I have this friend, who not only does all this at Thanksgiving, but loves it.  Her kids love it and her grandchildren love it.  They actually even look forward, to it.

How can this be, when so many view the approaching of the holidays with a variety of emotions....often, the least of which is eager anticipation!?

I had asked my friend about how everyone gets along.  She said, very matter of factly, "Of course situations come up, but we just 'suck it up'." She did not paint a picture of perpetual bliss, but in my mind, I conjured up a scene from Chevy Chase's movie "Funny Farm" in which they enlist the whole town to help them with propaganda to help sell the farm, making it look like the perfect place. 

Another friend, has two aging, ailing mothers.  Since they also live internationally, it is difficult to always be present when a need arises to get back to the states to help their moms.  One of their sons called to say, "Why don't you move Grandma to an assisted living facility in my town, so that we can look after her."  Unsolicited, selfless offer of help from their son, who has his own family to take care of!  How many kids would make such an offer?  They are all so busy!  But this family apparently really values relationships.

Many families, these days, are blended families, which actually can increase the chances of friction.  Our own family is one of these.  We are fortunate to have awesome, loving kids who seem to be able to go with the flow.

So what constitutes good, quality family time, so you don't have dread the holidays?  Obviously, if you start when your kids are young, it is a big plus!  If you haven't started early, remember that it is never too late!  Much of the work is preparation work done throughout the year.  When a strong foundation is laid, the holidays become a time where the family wants to get together because there is no pressure to perform only one day a year!  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Make each family member feel valued for who he/she is, not who you want them to be.  This can be done throughout the year, sending notes, taking individual time, attending events that they are in, making periodic phone calls just to check in.  This takes commitment that is well worth it.  My own mom wrote us each a letter every Sunday night from the day we left for college until she discovered the internet, a few years before she died.  Then she started sending an occasional email   [My mom died 5 years ago yesterday, but her stable, consistent love remains as a refuge and a reminder of the importance of maintaining healthy relationships.]  My parents also encouraged us to call each week, usually Sunday night, a practice I still maintain with my dad.

2.  Let everyone have a vested interest in the special day.  Cooking something, bringing something, contributing part of who they are.

3.  Do what works for you and your family, not what other people think you should do.

4.  Be flexible about the time of your celebrations if you can.  The important thing is the connection, not the actual day or time.

5.  Do as my friend suggested and "suck it up" if someone does something to irritate you.  This is one day out of the year;  really, let people be who they are.  Don't try to make them conform to who you want them to be!

6.  Compromise if there is a conflict.  Remember the relationship is more important than the green bean casserole!  You don't have to be right all the time.  See how good it feels to let that go.

7.  Keep the goal of the day in mind:  Is it getting the family together?  Is it building relationships?  (If you can stay focused on these things, it is easier to let other things slide.)  Is it getting gifts?  Is it eating turkey?  Is it showing off your clean house?  Is it performing a duty that you hate?  (If that is the case, I suggest you don't do it at all!)  Remember no one is going to notice everything you want them to notice.  Not everyone will show appreciation in the same way.  Not everyone will behave according to your set of rules.  But if these things are not your focus, they don't have to ruin your day!

8.  Avoid belittling, snide comments.  (The tongue has great power.  How great a fire is started by a little spark!)

9.  Remember to show each one your appreciation for them and their contribution, whether or not it is what you would have done.

10.  Create memories.  Do something fun and unusual and bonding that everyone can remember and talk about throughout the year.  Then they will look forward to coming again.  Playing games, taking a hike, have a scavenger hunt;  these are things that allow people to be themselves and invite spontaneous conversation, causing people to relax.  Family bonding does not have to be expensive, but it does take commitment.

Oh yes, and breathe.

www.marianneclyde.com

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