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 Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
Adultery is an American epidemic. Our spiritual laws are being systematically taken away. For instance, The Ten Commandments are being removed from the public eye. The “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” of the Ten Commandments is considered to be just a slogan to be ignored instead of a commandment from what most Americans call God. It seems that with the removal of God from our culture, there is not much of a reason not to commit adultery. After all, so many married people cheat. It’s accepted and pervasive. That’s just the way it is.
Because of the times we live in and the current ways of the world, many couples are constantly living with the unspoken fear that their spouse may commit adultery, which could end their marriage. When a couple joins in marriage, the marriage could very well be a temporary state, versus, what God called it to be, a covenant, a “till death do you part” promise. You see, the “till death do you part” promise is expectant that children will be the product of the marriage; children who have a right to be raised in a loving home with two parents, a mother and a father there to provide for them, love them, protect them, shelter them and lead them. After all, children are helpless and totally dependant on adults. They are not born fully grown and able to raise themselves.
I know there are reasons other than adultery as to why people get divorced, but I believe, in most cases, the act of adultery hammers the last nail in the marital coffin. Adultery is the leading cause of divorce in this country. Many people state the, “their marriage was over long before the act of adultery” theory, as an excuse to justify their acts against their family. Let me just say that there are many behavioral problems which lead up to the culmination of adultery. Choice and free will are blessings to some and are curses to others. The person with the behavioral problem always has a choice and free will to own his/her behavior, confess it, deal with it and change it. If a spouse chooses to destroy his marriage, he can do so at his wife and children’s peril. After all, who is going to stop him? America now allows “no fault divorce” in fifty states. It’s not like the law or an angel from God is going to come down and say, “No, you can’t do that!”
For the reason of simplification, I will refer to the male gender in this article. Both sexes commit adultery, however, it is usually the wife and children who suffer the most, due to the fact that single and divorced mothers and their children are the largest class of welfare recipients in the US.
I hate adultery! Let me explain why by asking some thought provoking questions and then providing possible scenarios from what might be a different prospective in the way to look at the subject.
How did everything get so messed up? What happened to the families? Where are the fathers? Why are so many children fatherless? Why are so many young girls molested by their stepfathers or the mother’s boyfriends? Who’s raising our kids? Why are mothers working over time, or working two jobs in order to feed their kids, keep a roof over their heads and to put clothes on their backs while the kids are left at home alone to fend for themselves? Why are so many divorced mothers and their children on welfare? Who is watching the kids while their mothers are at work desperately trying to support them? Why don’t kids have a right to stay in their own home, in their own rooms and in their own beds instead of having to pack a suitcase every other week to be dragged back and forth, and back and forth between their divorced parents who sometimes live in other cities, with other people who are not part of their family? Why are their so many unaccompanied minors sitting in airplane seats with forlorn looks on their faces because their whole lives have been turned upside down?
Why don’t children have any rights when it comes to divorce? Did anyone ask them if they minded if their parents, their home and their lives were blown to smithereens? Did anyone ever consult them about having their whole world turned upside down because their dad couldn’t keep his pants zipped? Did anyone ever ask them if it was OK to send their mothers, their siblings and themselves into poverty, or to live on a substandard level other than what they were accustomed to because the main breadwinner of the family left? Presently, the courts say the children have to live on an average of a thousand dollars or much less per month child support, per child. Did anyone ever tell these children they were not only losing the parent who abandoned them and yes, I do mean “abandoned”, but, they also will see very little of the custodial parent who ends up working to support them? Divorce is pure and simple abandonment of the family and the children. No matter how good the dads and moms try to be to the kids after the divorce, the shear fact is the children have lost their family, and in most cases, also their financial security and are left to pick up the pieces of which they are in no way, as children, equipped to do. A divorce affects every aspect of a child’s life, but do the children have a voice? Does anyone ever ask them how they feel about any of this?
NO! No one asks them anything. The offending parent doesn’t ask and doesn’t want to hear what their children have to say because the parent has his own agenda. Most court judges are not interested in hearing from children because the courts are overflowing with hundreds of thousands of divorce cases, and, until a child is over 12 years old, they look down on bringing a child to court. Divorce is so prevalent that it has become a mechanical process in the courts. Divorce court judge’s jobs, in most cases, have become liken to working in a boilerplate factory. The courts have a “formula” set up for child support, custody and property settlements. There is no emotion. Judges and lawyers push for an agreement that can be ratified so that they can move on to the next case. If a divorce is to be contested, the main breadwinner usually has the advantage due to the fact that, in most cases, he holds the purse strings to pay the attorneys. This means he can cut the offended spouse off from the very money she needs to defend herself and her children in order to financially secure what is left of her family. He who has the most money to spend on the case usually wins. In addition, most, not all, but most attorneys are also desensitized to the entire familial dilemma, either because so many people are getting a divorce that they have become uncaring about the impact on the families and children who they are paid to protect, or, because they just want your money. In many cases attorneys have become just as jaded, conscienceless and mechanical as the laws, the court systems and most judges have become. In most cases, no one cares about the devastation of a family, nor do they care about the severe emotional and long-term physical and psychological damage levied on to the children’s and offended spouse’s lives.
The offended spouse may be overwhelmed with the horror of the offending spouse’s offenses against his own flesh and blood through abandonment of his family in the pursuit of his own selfish personal pursuits. This could knock the offended spouse off kilter, emotionally, for many years and maybe for a lifetime while the children desperately need to be taken care of by emotionally stable parents. The children are tremendously victimized by the entire dynamic on every front. These children have a right to be heard. It is their family, it is their physical and emotional security, and it is their literal lives that are at stake!
Why is it that if someone takes a gun and shoots you, or strikes you, or pushes you, or even touches you, you can call the police and get the aggressor arrested and prosecuted. But if someone murders your heart, mind, spirit and soul, there is no recourse, protection or consequences? A physical wound will heal. An emotional wound can devastate a person or child for a lifetime. The offended spouse and children walk around in shock and in emotional devastation, but hay, at least the offending spouse is “happy”.
Divorce can make a major difference in every aspect of a child’s life. The destruction of the family unit can lead to child and teen drug addiction, depression, suicide, alcoholism, pregnancy, crime, incarceration and many types of behavioral and emotional problems due to feelings of abandonment and rejection. In addition, divorce drives many women (and sometimes men) and children into poverty. These women may find themselves and their children dependant on the welfare system for most, if not all of their lives.
I am going to tell you a story about little Johnny. Johnny is 8 years old. Let us pretend that you are Johnny. Up until this point, you have been a child who lives with both parents. You have lived in one home, you have your own bedroom, you have your own friends in the neighborhood, you have your own routine and you have emotional security because your mother and father are with you. As a child, the most important people in your little universe are your mommy and your daddy. The absolute worst thing that could happen to you would be if your mommy or your daddy died. You never even think about divorce. Divorce is not a part of your secure world. You don’t even understand what that is.
Your mommy and daddy fight and sometimes you see your mommy cry. But she always says that she is OK as she smiles through her tears. You have a funny feeling in your tummy but you believe your mom when she says she is OK. So, you just go along in your own child’s world and play with your toys, eat your dinner, play in the back yard, ride your bicycle and live in your little life’s routine, which all equates to your security and stability.
Mommy has dinner on the table when dad comes home. He comes to my room and hugs me like he always does. I expect that we are going into the kitchen to eat dinner like we always do, then we will watch some TV and wrestle on the floor. But daddy says he wants to talk to me.
He takes me in to his arms and says:
OK, how do you (Johnny) feel so far? No matter what daddy has said, all I know is that my daddy is leaving my mommy and this means that my daddy won’t be living with me any more. He says he is not leaving me but he won’t be here in our house anymore. I’m so scared. I’m so confused because daddy said it wasn’t his fault that this happened to him. I should feel sorry for my daddy but I am so scarred. I start yelling “No! You are not leaving”! Then I see that he has suitcases near the door. I grab his suitcases and try to pull them back to his room but they are too heavy. I scream, “Daddy, you are not leaving mommy and me”! Mommy is trying to calm me but she is crying too. Mommy and daddy are telling me that it will all be OK but all I can do is cry and cry and cry. Why won’t anybody listen to me? I don’t want my daddy to leave! I don’t want to move out of my house! No! No!
How does it feel to be Johnny? For Johnny, this is just the beginning of his trauma. His security is going out the door along with his daddy, and there is nothing he can do about it. Johnny’s whole world has fallen apart, but there is more. Mommy goes around for months with swollen red eyes. She has to go to court to get a divorce. Johnny keeps telling his mommy that he wants to go to talk to that judge because the judge can fix everything. The judge will understand that Johnny needs his daddy back home. The judge will tell Johnny’s daddy to come back home and then Johnny’s and his mommy’s lives will be back the way they were again. But Johnny’s mommy tells Johnny that the judge will not let him come to court. Johnny starts screaming that nobody cares about what he thinks or what he wants. Johnny keeps screaming but nobody will listen to him.
I will reiterate, the fact is that Johnny has no power and can only fall victim to his father’s horrible choices, which will have a devastating effect on the rest of Johnny’s life.
Johnny’s house goes up for sale. Johnny and his mom move from a 5,000 square foot house and his neighborhood with well-kept lawns, sidewalks and friends, to a two bedroom high rise apartment with strange people lurking in the hallways. Johnny’s mom won’t let him go out to play because it is not safe. Because of the move, Johnny also has to change schools where he doesn’t know anyone. He stays to himself and can’t concentrate on his schoolwork because he is in a form of shock. He cannot go home after school because his mom is working. He stays in the “after school program” until his mom picks him up at 6:00pm. His mom has to drop him off way before school starts at 7:30am for the “before school program”. He stays at school 10 and ½ hours a day. He is so glad to see his mommy at the end of the day that he cries in her arms the minute he sees her, every day, for months.
When Johnny sees his dad, he tries to tell him how sad and scared he is, but his daddy just says, “everything will work out all right”, and then his dad proceeds to tell him how wonderful his own life is. His dad just blends Johnny in with Jane and her two teen-age children. Johnny gets lost in the chatter of the new family and nobody hears him. It’s really strange to see Bobbie and Susan hug his dad. Johnny thinks, “What are they doing hugging my dad? He is not their daddy! He is my daddy!” Johnny is staying overnight with the happy family in their nice home with lawns and sidewalks. Jane has been kissing his daddy and daddy has been kissing Jane. Johnny feels so strange because he has only seen his daddy kiss his mom. Then Jane and daddy go into the same bedroom to sleep, just like he used to go to bed at night with Johnny’s mommy. But Jane and daddy are not married like Johnny’s mom and dad were.
Johnny sinks into more and more depression. Nobody listens to him but his mom. However, his mom is working so hard that Johnny hardly has any time with her. Johnny can still hear his mom cry in her room at night.
Johnny, somehow, gets through the next few years but he is still sad, withdrawn and depressed. He has grown to hate his dad and merely tolerates him on his visitation with his happy “pretend family”. Johnny knows that he and his mom were his dad’s “real family”. His dad never married Jane. He just lives with her in the same bedroom around Jane’s kids. Johnny’s mother has tried to explain to him that this sleeping arrangement between his dad and Jane is not right, without disparaging Johnny’s father. Johnny’s mom keeps telling him that when he grows up, he should find a good girl that goes to church and believes in God, and to not to sleep in the same room with her until they are married. But Johnny says, “Daddy sleeps in the room with Jane and they are not married”.
Johnny’s depression and confusion increases. A kid in school keeps offering him marijuana cigarettes. Johnny knows this is wrong because his mother has taught him about the dangers of drugs. However, Johnny succumbs. He craves attention from anyone who will pay attention to him. He wants to belong. He feels so good when he smokes dope. His depression and anxiety goes away. Johnny tries other drugs. He loves the feeling of being high because it makes the bad stuff go away for a while. But his depression seems to be worse when the drugs wear off. He needs more and more drugs to make himself feel better. He starts to steal things to sell in order to get money to buy the drugs. He is flunking the 8th grade. He is fighting with his Mom all of the time and he only wants to be with his friends.
His dad can’t understand what is wrong with Johnny and says, “Why doesn’t he behave himself?” Johnny’s dad blames his mom for not raising him better.
You get the drift. This is one of the better stories. Some kids don’t make it at all. Some of these kids commit suicide.
Do you think the dad or mom who left the family and caused all of the Johnny’s in the world so much pain, ever caught on? Do you think they could possibly believe that they had something to do with their children’s problems or even their death? I wonder how you, the reader, would feel if you were in Johnny’s situation? How would you feel if you were Johnny? It’s sad, but many people in this generation are so self absorbed that they would never even think about how they would feel if they were one of these helpless children, because it is not about “them”. I realize that not every divorce story is like this one. We hear of children of divorced parents who seem to do well. But, I really wonder if even these seemingly well-doing children of divorce, if the truth were told, would really tell you that they were doing well.
It is every child’s desire and it should be their right to be born into a home with two loving parents who both love their children and each other. To this you might say, “well this is not real life. Some people can’t be together no matter how hard they try”. To this, I disagree. I truly believe that if both partners in the marriage really try, there is always a way to work anything out. They just both have to be willing to do what ever it takes to keep their commitment to each other, especially when they have created children who need to be protected and secured.
We are all human and because we are human we make mistakes. However, our mistakes do not necessarily make a case for divorce. You see, because we are human, we are not perfect. Mistakes and problems will always be a part of any relationship no matter how good the relationship seems to be. When we make a marital commitment, this commitment is a promise and a covenant to stand by each other through sickness and health and basically through anything and everything until death do you part. This means when problems arise, both partners have the responsibility to work their problems out.
We have always heard from people who seem to be “in the know”, who state when a marriage breaks apart, both parties are at fault. I beg to differ with this statement. In my experience I have observed that mostly one person, not both, is the main culprit. The other person in the marriage tries all they can to fix the problems so the marriage can be sustained. The perpetrating partner is usually selfish, self-centered, and is totally out for him or herself. The perpetrator is not willing to face and take responsibility for his destructive and dysfunctional behavior. No matter how hard the innocent spouse tries, the marriage is on a collision course because the perpetrator will not curtail his behavior. He will not take responsibility by acknowledging his behavior which causes total dysfunction in the family. If this partner wanted to save the marriage, he would come clean, own his problems, get whatever help is necessary and fix the problems which he created. However, when the offending spouse wants out of the marriage, he is unwilling to take responsibility for his actions in order to fix the problem. As a matter of fact, these offenders will often blame the other spouse. The oldest strategy in the books is “The best defense is a good offense”. The husband or wife will discredit the innocent spouse and maybe even tell friends and relatives that his wife is crazy in order to cover his own behavior. This strategy leaves the offender looking squeaky-clean because he has not only gotten away with the behavior, but he has even solicited sympathy from others for himself. The innocent spouse, by this time, is so incredibly angry and emotionally traumatized by the offender that she “acts out” in order to wake up her spouse. The offender then points to his wife saying, “See how you are? How can you expect me to be with you? You’re crazy! I want a divorce!”
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this scenario. Nothing can be worked out because the husband doesn’t want to work it out. He is looking for any excuse to end the marriage without bringing blame on to himself. At this point, the offending spouse has no regard for the devastation he has placed on to his wife and children. He is only concerned with himself. It is just a question of how much time the wife will be willing to hang on to the relationship, or how much time it will take for the husband to desert his family.
So, I ask you, who made the “me” in “us” so important that our spouses and children are less important, and their lives and security are not as valuable as “ours”?
Divorce produces long-term devastation on to not only the spouses, but also their children, their grand children and on through the generations. Divorce creates a divide right down through the generations because of the offending parent’s act. Children of divorce have to be split up between their parents for holidays and important events. For instance: a child usually wants the security of staying in her own home, especially when Santa is coming. However, this holiday falls on the other parent’s visitation time. Hence, again, the child has no say and is deprived of her wants, needs and her own routine. It is unconscionable that children have to be removed from their own homes every other weekend and holiday. This is extremely unsettling to a child. As the child settles back into her own routine she has to pack a suitcase and travel to or stay in another place.
Why is it that when parents divorce, the child becomes the one to be uprooted from her own home instead of the parent? Here, again is an example of how children suffer for their parent’s choices. Again, children have no voice and choice. I believe that a child should have the right not to be uprooted. I believe that the offending parent should not have visitation except during the daylight hours in order that the child can maintain stabilization by sleeping in their own beds at night in her own home. I believe that if a child spends a holiday out of her own home with the offending parent, this should be the child’s choice to do so. I do not believe that the child should be forced to leave her own home at any time. I believe that when the offending spouse chooses to commit adultery, abuse his spouse and children, use drugs or become an alcoholic, that they should have their rights taken away, not the children’s rights and not the innocent spouse’s rights to raise her children taken away.
Another important point to make in this dilemma is a divorce causes your own child to literally be taken away from you, even if it is just for a weekend. I don’t think most people even realize the impact on the innocent parent in this regard. A mother may feel every time her daughter leaves her home for visitation with her father, that she (the mother) is being violated, yet again. A mother should have the God given right to be the mother of her children every day of their lives until they are out of the nest. Because the ex-husband is granted visitation, the children are ripped out the mother’s home every other weekend and many holidays. Hence, the mother has lost her right to be a mother to the child she carried and birthed, every time the child is taken out of her home. If the offending spouse is the woman, the reverse is true for the man.
I really believe when children are born into a marriage, the law should mandate that if the parents of these children divorce, the divorce can only be predicated on “fault” grounds. I truly believe this is the only way to protect children of divorce. You see, if a man or woman commits adultery, which causes divorce, and leaves the home, they have gravely injured their children even more than their spouse. If the injured parent wants to protect their children, they have little or no recourse in many states to preserve the marriage for the safety of their children. I believe adulterers make conscious choices to violate and abandon their families. I believe this should be a punishable crime when children are involved. I believe judges should protect the injured spouses and children and punish the perpetrators who abandon their families. I believe judges should distribute the assets to the innocent spouse and children in order to maintain their emotional and physical security. I believe that when people make the choice to violate their vows, commitments, marriage and children, by the selfish act of adultery, the offender should be the one to pay for the support and long-term damages in which they perpetrated on to their families. I also believe spouses should be penalized for the perpetration of mental and physical abuse and cruelty on to their spouses and children. I also believe when a spouse makes a choice to become a substance abuser, whether it be illegal drugs or alcohol, the divorce penalty should be against these perpetrator, as well. I believe that there would be at least 50% to 80% less divorce in this country if “fault” grounds were mandated to married people with children. I believe, also, in this case that more married people would work out their problems and there would be many more intact families as a result. I believe that a greater multitude of our children in America would be whole as a result of “fault grounds” divorce laws. I believe that before couples decide to have children, they would take a more serious look at the viability of their marriage on a life commitment basis in order to provide a good home for their children. I believe that because the potential adulterer would be in jeopardy of being penalized, that he or she would give more consideration to the situation before they shuck their responsibilities. I believe that the sanctity of marriage should be held to a higher standard.
How many more children have to be displaced, uprooted, and driven in to poverty and depression because adults make choices that are injurious to them? How long will our legal system stand by in negligence to the ultimate devastation perpetrated on to our children? How many more children and innocent parents will be forced into the welfare system, which not only horribly impacts the children, but also places this country in the position to financially support these millions of displaced families? How many more children will be placed into the foster care system because their parents can’t afford to take care of them?
A monogamous and intact marriage provides the safest possible environment for children to be raised in. Married parent families have been proven to be more effective in protecting children from poverty, welfare, drug abuse, crime, premarital sex, out of wedlock births, suicide, abuse, neglect and emotional trauma. A married parent environment has been proven to promote emotional and physical safety and stability in children, as well as a better quality of life. Children of married parents have less premarital sex, less abortions, less out of wedlock pregnancy, less addictions and greater educational success.
A recent study written by Bridget Maher from the Family Research Council cites the 2001 Census Bureau study, which states the following: “only 6 percent of married-parent families lived in poverty, compared to 33.6 percent of single parent families. Single mothers comprise the largest group of welfare recipients, as a result of the fact that divorce and unwed childbearing leads many women and children into poverty.” The study also shows that “six out of ten jail inmates in the U.S. were raised by a single parent or neither parent”. It further sates that “marriage positively affects adults, as married people are more likely to be healthy, productive and engaged citizens. They have better emotional and physical health and live longer than do unmarried people. Moreover, married couples have greater incomes than do single adults, and the longer they stay married, the more wealth they accumulate.” In addition, the study states that “four out of ten cohabiting partners have children, but children in these homes are likely to fare poorly, they are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems such as not getting along with peers, difficulty with concentration, and feeling depressed. They are more likely to do poorly academically and to live in poverty. Cohabitation is not a good environment for raising children. Lack of commitment among cohabitants sets a bad example for children, teaching them that premarital sex, having children out of wedlock, and cohabitation are appropriate behaviors.”
In summation, I appeal to the family lawmakers and judges of this country to reinstate “fault” divorce regarding couples who have born children into the marriage. It is clear that the welfare system and our US citizen’s taxes should not bear the brunt of the offending spouse’s consequences. It is clear that the innocent spouse and his/her children should not be forced into poverty and the serious consequences derived from the abandonment of the family by the perpetrator of the acts against the family. It is clear that if the perpetrator chooses to commit these acts against their spouses and children, that the offender should be judged and made to pay his/her own consequences for his/her acts against the family by being ordered to provide for that spouse and the children in the same fashion in which to keep the spouse and children in tact, both financially, and in every other way, possible. It is clear that the offending spouse should not have liberal visiting rights to the children in which he/she has proven to be harmful to. It is clear that the children should be free to stay in their own homes, which provide a secure environment for them to be raised in, without experiencing the interruption and instability of having to leave their own homes to visit the offending spouse. It is clear that the offender should suffer his/her own consequences of his/her choices, not the innocent spouses and children.
Fault divorce would place the responsibility for our families, children and the consequences where they belong. Fault divorce would leave the offended spouse and children in a more emotionally stable environment, off of welfare, out of poverty, and would literally save the lives of many children.
You see, that little commandment, “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, was not meant to place restrictions on us. It is a loving commandment because God knows the severe destruction and eternally damaging consequences to the family that are derived by breaking this commandment and his other commandments, as well. What God do you follow, yourself or your loving creator who knows all, sees all and loves us enough to leave his commandments for our own protection?
Written by Tricia Erickson, President of Crisis Management Inc.
Contact: “CrisisMgmtInc@aol.com”
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